


Do I live only for suffering?

by IamSoUnpredictable



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Credence Barebone Deserves Better, Credence Barebone-centric, Gen, Obscurial Credence Barebone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 14:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9552590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamSoUnpredictable/pseuds/IamSoUnpredictable
Summary: Pieces of Credence's life. How was it like to grow up in a family like that? What kind of challenges he needed to face with? What led him to press his magic?These are short stories from his life, not necessary connected.





	1. Hunger

1924, november

Credence clamped his legs tightly as he was lying in his bed. It was late night, and the house was as silent, as death. The only noise, which broke this silent was the loud rumble of his stomach. He grabbed his legs even tighter. He didn’t want to hear it, he didn’t want to think about the hunger. He has been hungry before, moreover he was getting use to this feeling over the years, but this was far the longest time since his last eating. It was the fifth day, when he was sent to his room during dinner time. In these occassions he went upstairs in silence, with a stinging consciousness.  
At this evening he felt like he isn’t even walking on the floor, only drifting. He lurched as he was trying to walk, he needed to hang on to the handrail to push himself up on the stairs. His mother noticed his precariousness, and she barked at him angry.  
-Dont act like you are dying Credence, you know I cant stand, when someone plays the martyr!  
The boy immediately released the hadrail, took a deep breath and tried to walk faster. He knew, that he is lucky, hunger is still better, like the pain, which is caused by the belt, tearing into his meat like an angry snake.

As he was lying on his bed, he tried to breath calmer, and not to get lost among his painful memories. It never succeeded. What is the purpose of his life? Does he live only for suffering? Sometimes he wished to die. He was nothing. He cant behave right, he caused only sadness to his mother with his sinful life. If I would die right now, no one would miss me… - he thought. Perhaps Modesty would cry, and maybe even Chastity would sigh when she would hear it, but they would forget him quickly. His mother wouldnt feel anyhing. The only person he wanted to love and care about him for years would turn its back to his dead body. Credence would not blame her for it. He was a flawed product, that even the persistent punishments – lectures - couldnt fix. He hated himself. He hated, that he is still shaking, and tears are burning his eyes, when his mother tried to discipline him. He hated, that he forces her to punish him constantly. He was watching jealously the children on the streets for years, who climbed to their parent’s hands, and looked up to them with adoration, and the parents answered with a kind smile, or a fondling. He wanted to feel the same, and to get this reaction from his mother. But the years slowly taught him, that this will never happen with them. He even doubt it, that it will happen with anyone. That some day, someone will look at him with sparkling eyes, and give him the love, he always wanted.  
Thoughts like these kept him awake the whole night, so when the first rays of sun shined through his small window, he felt himself even more tired and haggard, then the last night. He sat up in his bed slowly, but he felt dizzyness in his head. He rubbed his face with his cold hands, tried to fight back the black shadows, which floated to his sight. He took a deep breath, and stood up. His clothes from the previous day laid on a chair. His only change of clothes was sill dirty, his mother allowed washing only once a week, because of frugality. He started to get dressed carefully, he paid attention to tuck in his buttoned shirt tightly into his trousers, and to clench his tie tautly. His mother liked, when everything fits tightly on him. The last thing was his belt, which teased him from the chair. He reached for it with a shaking hand, then grabbed it and quickly twisted it around his hip. He sighed relieved, when he felt its grip. It never meant anything good, when it wasnt on him during the day.  
When he finished the dressing, he heard the life started up in the house. The walls were thin, and he heard that Chastity is moving next door. Probably she is getting dressed right now. – he tought. Usually until the sun came up they were downstairs, ready to listen their mother about the daily tasks. He heard, that his mother opened the tap in the bathroom. She was always the first in the toilet, the children can spend only after her there a few minutes. Mother did not like to wait for them downstairs. As Mary Lou finished, Credence stepped out from his room, to quickly get his things done before the girls wanted to go in the bathroom. As he walked past his mother, the woman only wasted a cold look to his son. Credence avoided her look, and hurried to the bathroom. As he looked in the mirror, a tallow-faced, skinny boy stared back to him. He quickly snapped away his gaze from it. He only started to brush his teeth, when Chastity knocked on the door.  
\- Credence, can you hurry? I need to make Modesty’s hair, and before it I would like to take a shower! – her voice sounded impatient.  
Credence didnt understand why cant she make Modesty’s hair before taking a shower, but he didnt questioned her. He just quickly finished brushing his teeth, and opened the door.  
\- Otherwise, I think its better if you hurry downstairs, perhaphs Mother will forgive you, if you try to behave the best you can. – she added, looking to her brother.  
Credence nodded, and turned to the stairs. He didnt really believe, that his mother would reward his diligence, but Chasitity was right, he need to try it at least.

When he came downstairs, he could smell the oatmeal, getting prepared for breakfast. His stomach twitched from hunger, but he tried not to show it. He stepped in the kitchen with his head bowed, waiting for his mother’s orders. She looked up without any emotions on her face, when she saw him.  
\- Dont just stare, Credence, do something useful. – said coldly.  
\- Perhaphs I should finish the meal? – he asked, because suddenly nothing else task came to his mind.  
\- Oh no, considering how greedy you are, you couldnt stand it, and you would eat from it. And you have not earned to eat yet. – she said with a scornful smile.  
These words hit Credence. It wasnt, that he wont eat today – altough from the hunger and tiredness he could barely stand on his feet – but the fact, that his mother doesnt trust him, even a bit. He has never been greedy, and he would never eat from their food without permission. Of course he didnt say it out loud, just nodded in silent and backed out from the kitchen. In the dining room he grabbed a rag, and started to clean the table mechanically.  
\- Ouch, Chastity its to tight! – he heard suddenly Modesty’s voice from upstairs. Chastity answered much more quietly, Credence hardly heard her voice.  
\- I am sorry, but you know, if Mother spots, that your bun is too loose, she will clench it much more tighter. – said.  
Both of them tried to protect Modesty, eventhough unlike Credence, Chastity never took the blame for her, but she tried to help the little girl to avoid the punishments. Modesty lived with them only for a year, and she didnt understand every rule. She didnt know yet, how varied forms of misbehaviour can get her in trouble.  
\- Fine, Chastity. Thank you. – said finally the little girl in a thin voice. It was like she can start to cry in any minute.  
\- Wash your face, then come downstairs. – he heard Chastity again, and not long after he saw her figure on the top of the stairs.  
Credence turned back to his job, and continued to wipe the already clean table. From the corner of his eyes, he saw, that Chastity is sending a reassuring half-smile to him, but she didnt stop to speak with him, she continued her way to the kitchen, and stood next to their mother. She didnt send her away, just gave the wooden spoon to her. She trusted her.  
From the smells Credence figured out, that the breakfast is almost ready, so he started to set the table. He took out three glasses, three spoons, and three bowls. For himself he didnt put out anything. When he finished, he stood still next to the table in silence.  
A few minutes later Chastity turned down the blaze on the cooking stove, and brought the pot to the table, followed by their mother, and Modesty also joined them from upstairs.  
\- Sit down, children. – turned Mary Lou to their daughters. She didnt even glance at Credence.  
\- Ma…- said Modesty quietly. Mary Lou looked at her suprised.  
\- Yes, Modesty? – asked  
\- Can Credence sit down as well, maybe? – faltered Modesty out, and looked at her mother concerned.  
Mary Lou knitted her eyebrows, as she looked to her daughter, but suddenly a small smile appeared in the corner of her mouth. Credence sensed, that nothing good will come.  
\- Sure, Modesty, if he want to. – answered Mary Lou finally, still with a smile on her face, and she looked to her son. Credence glanced in her way very carefully.  
\- Credence? Would you like to join us, and eat some oatmeal? – asked his mother, almost kindly.  
But her voice didnt mislead him. He knew, its just a test, and if he doesnt pass, he will get much worse. Eventough his legs were weak from hunger and tiredness, he slowly shaked his head.  
\- Thank you, but I dont want to. – answered quietly.  
Mary Lou watched him for a while, then she sighed, and looked back to Modesty.  
\- See, Modesty, he doesnt want to sit down. He knows, that he deserves his punishment. – said.  
Modesty glanced to her bother scared, but she didnt say a word. They ate their food in silence. When they finished, Credence left his spot, and started to gather the bowls. He brought them out to the kitchen.  
When he came back, his mother was already standing by the opposite side of the table, next to the piles of the leaflets. The boy joined his sisters, who were waiting for their daily tasks.  
\- Chastity, you are coming with me today. We are going to the press, for another pile of leaflet. Then we have a meeting with the new priest. He just recently moved to the city, and we need to introduce us properly. We will tell him about our case, and we try to convince him about the danger. If the people would listen during the mass about witches, we could persuade them much more faster to join our side in the fight. – said their mother determined.  
\- Modesty, you can go out and play with the other children. Take some leaflets with you, I believe that you can hand them over, and you will talk to them about our mission. Be at home by 12 o’clock, we will come back with Chastity by then, and we can start to prepare the lunch. – turned to his youger daughter. Modesty nodded.  
\- Credence, I cant risk to take you with us to the priest. Im afraid you would scare him off. – she looked to his son with disgust. – And as you dont need to have lunch, come home only at 3 o’clock. Until you will hand out those. All of them. – she pointed to a great pile of leaflets.  
Credence swallowed. There were at least one hundred leaflets on the table. There was no chance, that he could pass them all, no matter how many hours he need to stay on the streets. And he knew what happens, if he arrives at home with too many. He bowed his head, and took the leaflets from the table. It was hard enough to carry them, he didnt figure it out, how can he hand them out without dropping even one. His mother watched his struggling coldly, then she sent him on his way with a wave of her hand. 

He stepped out of the house, and he felt giddy again, as the cold late autumn wind hit him. When he left his home, he carefully took a leaflet from the top of the pile, and offered it to the people around him. He wasnt suprised, that no one didnt even look at him. He was walking slowly, looking down to the ground. He didnt like the crowd, but he tried to approach crowded areas in the hope of handing out more leaflets. He was walking at least for half an hour, when the first person took a leaflet from him. It was a well-dressed man, who was in a rush, he didnt even stopped, just grabbed the paper, and continued his way. Credence sighed relieved. Its one fewer. He kept walking.  
Minutes, then hours passed, and eventough he managed to hand out a few leaflets, there were still many in his hand. He felt more and more dizzy, he even needed to hang on to a streetlamp. He tried to take deep breath, and continue his way. The dark shadows covered his sight, he could barely see where he is going. He was passing through a road, when the world started to spin around him. The shadows fully swallowed him, and he falled to the cold ground. For a moment, he saw, that the wind picked up the leaflets, as he dropped them, and he heard the cars honked at him loudly. Then everyhing went black.


	2. Lashes

1924, november, same day

 

\- Hey, boy! You alright?  
Credence woke up to someone vilolently shaking his shoulders, and the heavy smell of cigarette hit his nose. As he slowly opened his eyes, the black shadows were still dancing before his sight, but he could see, that a bearded, older man in grungy clothes is looking to his face from a few inches. Suddenly he did not know where he is, how did he end up here, and he thrilled with fear under the man’s grip. He closed his eyes, then opened again after a few seconds, in the hope of shuffle the black spots out of his sight.  
\- Are you deaf, boy? I just asked, what is your name? – grabbed strongly the man’s fingers his shoulders.  
Credence wanted to answer, but a single word did not come out of his mouth, he could just form the words silently.  
\- I, I…- he tried to say something.  
\- Step aside, dont you hear me? Dont you see, you scared him? – suddenly a woman’s voice interrupted him.  
\- Excuse me, ma’am, I just helped him! – muttered the man offended, but his grip loosened around Credence’s shoulder.  
\- Let me here! - said the woman, and as she crouched next to Credence, he could see her face. She was middle-aged, with a kind smile on her face, and her clothes were covered in flour, like she came from a bakery. As she looked to Credence, he peered to the ground shyly. The woman sent the fidgety man away, then turned back to Credence.  
\- Do you know, what has happened? – she asked gently.  
Credence shaked his head. He still didnt understand, how did he get on the cold, cobble street. He tried to stand up, but the shadows appeared in front of his eyes again, and he felt, that a sharp pain stab into his head.  
\- Careful, dont do anything quickly! You must hit your head, when you fainted – she sighed, while shaking her head.  
She raised her arm towards him, which made Credence wince. As the woman’s warm hands slipped under his armpits, he froze.  
\- Dont be afraid, I just try to help you up – she smiled at him kindly. Credence loosened his body a bit, and he glanced at her. He didnt expect help from anyone, and this caring voice was also unusual for him. As he felt, she held him strong, he tried to lean to his legs. Although he still felt dizzy, he pushed himself to a sitting position, then slowly crouched to the ground. As he looked down to his feet, he groaned frightened. On the ground there laid his leaflets, wet and dirty from the rain on the previous day. He lifted his sight up, and he faced with the rest of the leaflets covering the whole road in front of him. The cars without slowing down drove off next to them, creasing with their wheels the leaflets even more. He tried to gather the barely entire ones around him desultorily. The woman looked at him doubiously.  
\- Dont care about those, come with me to my shop, its right on the other side of the road – she said concerned.  
Credence barely heard it, his mind was already racing around his punishment. If Ma finds this out…He could lie, that he handed out the rest of them… No, no she would find it out eventually, like she finds out everything else, and then he would get in a much bigger trouble. He always, always has to say the truth. He winced, as he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
\- I, I cant. I have to hand these out, then I need to go home – he spit it out finally broken.  
\- You cant go on like this. Come, sit down in my place for a while – she sounded determined. Credence didnt dare to resist anymore, he just nodded. Perhaps, he can sit down for a short while… That cant get him in such a big trouble. As he carefully stood up, he tried not to pay attention to the splitting headache, and he followed the woman to the other side of the road. He glanced back, and he felt a tug at his heart, as he saw the damaged leaflets again. 

Credence was right, she worked in a bakery. She waited for him at the entrace, then guided Credence to the store, and showed him to sit down. As Credence took a deep breath, and sniffed to the air, his stomach rumbled loudly. The woman looked at him with knitted eyebrows, then turned to the counter, and took out a pastry. She placed it to a napkin, then offered it to Credence. He didnt dare to take it, he just stared to the sweet-smelling bake good, while swallowing hard.  
\- Do you get enough food at home? – the woman asked, still with a careworn look.  
Credence didnt answer. How could he tell this stranger, that he hasnt got food since six days? She would just misunderstand it, and she would blame his mother for it.  
\- You arent much of a talker – she broke into a smile. – Anyway, I want you to eat it. It would not look so well, if you would faint again in my bakery – she added, and she shaked her head.  
Credence slowly raised his hand, and wrapped his fingers around the pastry. It was still hot, and looked so delicious. He started to eat it slowly, with small bites, and he felt, that the warmth filled his body. He has never tasted anything like this before. It was soft, and sweet. His mother didnt allow anything sweet to them. When he finished, he felt himself much better, but also guily, for accepting the food. The woman smiled to him.  
\- How are you? –she asked. – Do you feel dizzy? Or hurt?  
\- I am much better now, thank you. – answered Credence. This caring was very unususal for him, and he was sure, the woman helped to him only because she felt pity for him.  
\- Im glad – she said, still with a smile on her face. – You know, you scared me, when you fainted, and the cars almost hit you. My son is around your age, and he usually doesnt pay attention. I always worry, that something happens to him – she sighed concerned. – But what matter is, that you are better now – she smiled again to him. Credence nodded, not sure what to say.  
\- Thomas! – she shouted suddenly. A beefy, cheerful fellow showed up behind her. – Thomas, please take care of the store, I escort this boy home – she turned to her coworker.  
\- Ah, so you are the one, who got almost hit by a car! – he grinned to Credence. Credence peered to the ground. – You scared the hell out of Miss Beth!  
The woman – who turned out to be called Beth, – wagged her head.  
\- Well, I got scared, thats true. Oh, by the way I didnt even introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth Wilson. – she offered her hand to Credence. He barely touched, and shaked it.  
\- Credence Barebone.  
\- Come, Credence, I escort you home – answered Elizabeth.  
\- You dont have to, ma’am, thank you. Please, you dont need to bother – said Credence quickly. He wouldnt like to cause much more inconvenience to this kind woman.  
\- Trust me, I would feel myself much worse, if I wouldnt know, that you got home in safe – said Elizabeth in an authoritative voice. It looked like, Credence’s protests didnt have any use against her, altough he got used to it. He nodded.  
Elizabeth stepped to him, and helped him up from the chair. Altough he felt himself stronger, his head still ached. As she guided him out of the bakery, she turned to him.  
\- Where do you live, Credence?  
\- Pike street, in the Second Salemer church – he answered quietly. – But you really dont have to walk home with me, ma’am.  
\- Nonsense, I want to be sure, that you’ll be fine. And its not so far away. – she ended the conversation.  
With Elizabeth’s help, Credence could walk enough steady, and it didnt take much time, they were standing in front of the church. 

\- Thank you for everything, ma’am! – Credence turned to her. – And I will pay for the pastry, as soon as I can – he added, altough he didnt know, how he will get the money.  
\- Dont be silly, it was a gift – answered Elizabeth smiling.  
A small smile appeared in the corner of Credence’s mouth. They were standing in front of the church for a while, but she didnt leave his side. Credence looked at her questioningly.  
\- I wont leave, Credence. Not until I am sure, that you’ll be okay – answered Elizabeth to his look, then she knocked on the door. Credence’s eyes widened. He couldnt tell, whats going to happen, if his mother finds out, that he came home with a stranger.  
After a few seconds, Chastity’s face appeared at the entrance. Elizabeth smiled at her with the same warmth, as she smiled to Credence before.  
\- Hello, dear. Is your mother at home? Can I speak with her? – she asked. Chastity looked at her suprised, then her gaze fell to Credence, and to the creased leaflets in his hands. Credence looked back at her with fear.  
\- Yes, she is at home. Please, come in – she said eventually well-mannered, and stepped aside from their way.  
Elizabeth marched confidently to the house, and Credence followed her, his eyes trained on the floor. As Mary Lou heard the voices, she stepped out of the kitchen. She didnt expect any guests, so she looked at Elizabeth quite suprised. When she saw Credence behind her, she snorted nervously.  
\- Good day, madam! What did my son do? Did he cause any problem to you? – she looked to Elizabeth.  
\- No, of course not, Credence didnt do anything bad. And he seems to be a very polite boy – she raised her eyebrow. - I escorted him home, after he fainted on the street.  
Mary Lou shot a furious look in Credence’s way, as she heard it. The boy lowered his head, and a frightened whimper left his mouth. But Elizabeth wasnt done yet.  
\- I just couldnt not notice, how skinny he is. I can almost see his bones! Im sure, that he fainted because of the hunger. He refused to tell me, when was the last time, he ate, but I think he didnt get any food in days! And you force him to work in this condition! What kind of mother are you? Dont you care about your child? – she sounded very angry, as she stared to Mary Lou.  
\- Please madam, calm down – Mary Lou tried to look peaceful. – Credence wanted to fast from his own choice. He wanted to get closer to God this way. I suppose, he orverdone it. But I can assure you, that he will eat now – she said, while she looked to Elizabeth’s eyes.  
\- Is it true, Credence? – Elizabeth turned to him. – Did you fast from your own choice? – she asked concerned.  
Credence tried to nod as quickly as he can, and he prayed for her to leave. Maybe its not too late. Maybe he wont get much worse punishment, as usually. Elizabeth didnt seem like she completly believed it, but she nodded.  
\- Alright. Then I am leaving – she said, and she glanced to Credence once again, then turned around, and walked out of the house. As the door closed behind her, Credence knew, that he is going to pay for everything. 

Mary Lou stepped closer to him, and stared to her shivering son.  
\- So, are you hungry? – she asked coldly. – Dont be afraid, I will make sure you to eat. Follow me - she said, and started to walk to the other side of the house.  
Credence didnt know what is going to happen next. Does he really get some food? Or just a beating? Perhaps she locks him in somewhere. He winced at this thought. He hated the small, dark places, and when his mother locked him in the basement some days, he was completly alone with his demons.  
But his mother didnt go to the basement, she turned to the kitchen, where their lunch was boiling in a big pot. As Credence trailed behind her, his eyes widened from wondering. For a moment, he started to hope, that a miracle is happening, and he gets from the soup. His mother closed the door behind him, and she pointed to a chair. Credence sat down quickly, and he put the leaflets carefully to the table beside him.  
\- Credence – his mother turned to him. Her voice sent down a shiver on his spine. – Gluttony is a sin, and you know it very well. Despite of it, you wanted to eat, when you knew, it wasnt allowed – she sounded cold, and threatening. Credence tried to pull himself together on the chair.  
\- I, I didnt, please, Ma… - he shaked his head. He felt, that tears started to burn his eyes.  
\- Dont you dare lie to me! – Mary Lou couldnt hold her anger back anymore. - But now your wish comes true, because you will eat – she said, and took a slice of bread from the counter. She suddenly moved to Credence, grabbed his hair, and pulled his head backwards. Credence’s mouth opened from the suprise, and his mother stuffed the slice in it. As the harsh crust of the bread slipped to his throat, Credence started to choke. His mother looked at him without any emotion on her face, then she released his hair, and covered his nose. With her other hand, she kept pushing the slice. As she cut him off from the rest of the air, Credence gasped. The bread scratched his throat, and he felt like he could vomit to the floor, and at the same time he suffocate. Warm tears poured down on his face. In the meantime she pressed down the whole slice to his throat, and cramped his mouth, to kept him from spitting it out.  
\- Eat! – she ordered.  
Credence tried to chew the bread, but he could only rattle from the lack of air. For a few seconds, he thought, that his mother will let him suffocate, when he felt, that the bread started to dissolve from his saliva, so he could chew on it. His air lessened more and more, but he forced himself to eat. When finally he could swallow the most of it, his moher suddenly released him. His head falled forward. He gasped, while he tired to swallow the rest of the bread, and he didnt dare to look up. He felt his mother’s look burning him. The tears kept falling from his eyes.  
\- I hope, you have had enough, and you arent hungry anymore – she said, and Credence heard on her voice, that she is smiling. – Now, lets see how many leaflets handed you out – she turned to the leaflets on the table. Credence, still gasping, slowly lifted his gaze up, and watched his mother in silence, who started to count the papers.  
\- Its only eighteen. You had much more at the morning. What did you do with the rest of them? – her mouth narrowed into a thin line.  
\- I-I los…- he muttered. He could almost feel the belt strike on him.  
\- Speak up, when I ask you – his mother hissed.  
\- I lost them. They falled out of my hands. – he blurted out finally.  
\- You lost them? – his mother sounded stern again. – You lost them? - she repeated. – So you are wasting my money? I feed you, dress you, giving you a place to live, and thats what you do in return? Throw away the leaflets, which were printed from my hardly earned money? – Mary Lou’s voice quivered from the anger.  
Credence didnt respond, but he knew what his duty is. His hands mechanically moved to his belt. He undid it with shaking hands, and placed it to his mother’s outstretched palm.  
\- Take it off – she pointed to his shirt.  
\- What? – he mumbled. She rarely beat his back. Usually his pain was focused to his hands. Mary Lou didnt repeat her request. Credence took off his jacket, and unbuttoned his shirt. He placed the clothes beside him.  
\- Lean on it – said Mary Lou icily.  
Crendence didnt say a word, he obeyed, and with outstreched arms he bend forward to the table. The fist whip suprised him, and he groaned in pain. He didnt see his mother’s hand, he pressed his face to the table. The first lash was soon followed by more. The iron buckle bited to his back, and tore up his flesh. Credence clenched his teeth, and tried not to say a word, or let a whimper out. His mother didnt like when he begged. But he couldnt command to his tears. The pain was almost unbareable. It seemed like, his mother’s intention was not to leave an unharmed section of skin on his back. Credence didnt even groan anymore, he just let the tears fall down from his eyes in silence. The only sound heard in the kitchen was the strike of the belt on his skin. He felt, his blood flow down warmly on his back. After long mintes – which seemed like hours for him – his mother stopped the beating, and placed the belt next to him to the table.  
\- Clean up the mess, then go to your room – he heard his mother’s voice. – And if you dare to complain again, or you bring home a miscreant woman like that, I wont have such a mercy – she added, and left the kitchen. 

Credence couldnt move for a while. He felt, like the beltbuckle reached to his spine, and tore his flesh from his back. The pain was so overwhelming, that he was afraid of fainting again. His head was still splitting, but it was nothing compared to the aching in his back. He slowly raised his head, and tried to carefully sit up. He gasped, as the burning feeling spread in his body. His blood were all over on the floor, painting red flowers to the ground. He knew, his mother will return soon to the soup, so he needed to hurry. He tried not to pay attention to the pain, as he stood up. He stumbled to the sink, watered a rag and returned to the table. He cramped his mouth, as he crouched and wiped up his blood. He tried to finish quickly, despite every movement caused horrible pain. When the blood disappeared from the floor, he washed the rag, then reached for his clothes. As he pulled on the shirt, it scrubbed his scars, and he whimpered from the pain. He took the rest of the clothes and left the kitchen. In the dining room he saw Chastity, who was busy patching one of her dress. Mary Lou and Modesty werent downstairs. His sister looked up, as she heard his steps.  
\- Credence…- she turned to him. Credence shaked his head, swallowed his tears, and turned to the stairs. Her voice sounded pitiful, and he wouldnt like to hear that. He didnt deal with the pain, as he walked upstairs, and entered to his room. He sat down to his bed, and as he pressed his face to a pillow, he started to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/kudos = <3


	3. Lack of affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the reasons Credence felt sometimes non-existing was the lack of affection...

1924, december

Three weeks have passed since his punishment, and it was the first time Credence could lie on his back, without wanting to cry out loud in pain. The less deep cuts faded into red bruises, and the deep ones were covered with thick dried blood. „I am going to have twelve new white scars.” he thought, while he was watching his back with twisted neck in the small mirror of the bathroom. Not like it would matter, no one has ever seen his back.  
The days passed in a monotone cycle, he went to the meetings, served food to the children, cleaned the house, or wandered around the city with his leaflets. He hasnt seen Elisabeth since then, he avoided the neighbourhood of her bakery, and hoped, that she wont cross his path. He just couldnt think about her without feeling a stabbing pain in his conciousness. Her kindness and caring couldt suppress his memories about the beating. „I cant, I cant, I cant” Credence repeated in himself. He cant look at her, cant meet with her, cant say anything to her, because it would cause only pain and disdain. „If I wasnt so coward, I could tell her not to escort me home. If I wasnt so weak, I wouldnt take the food from her. If I wasnt so clumsy, I wouldnt fall on the street…” His mother’s lessons burned a too deep mark in him to blame anyone else for his suffering. The bitter thoughts were racing in his mind painfully, no matter how hard he tried to make them stop. He was thinking too much. His mother told him several times, that his duty is not the thinking, its the obediance, Credence couldnt stop his mind.   
On the monotonous days his thoughts were swirling around his pain, and his sins, repressing the hope and endurance. When he was younger, he hoped, that he will get compliments, and some day, someone tells him he is special, and he earns a honored place in the world. By this time he pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind, where his other desires, whishes, and even dark things, like anger and jealousy were hiden. It was simpiler this way. This way he didnt have to deal with them, altough sometimes he felt the darkness scratching his throat, burning his lungs, but he could always force back the constantly growing shadow to the deepest of his mind. It was harder to repress his wishes and desires, there were days, when he craved so hard, that even his head started to ache. He didnt know what or who he wants exactly, but he felt, he will never get it. Maybe he didnt even deserved it. 

He was lost among his thoughts, staring out of the window, when he heard, that Modesty and their mother came home from the city at the end of a long day. He quickly snatched away his gaze from the sight of the street, and turned back to the enormous table, where great piles of leaflets laid. Before she left, his mother demanded him to sort them, and he wasnt finished at all. He continued his work in a hurry, when he heard, that Mary Lou locked the front door after entering to the house.  
\- Do you understand, Modesty? – her sharp voice almost cut the air.   
Credence stood backwards, but he was sure, that Modesty nodded while looking into their mother’s eyes. The little girl never bowed her head down, there was some kind of pride, or just bluntness, which made her staring to the other’s eyes.   
\- Alright. But remember, soon you will be old enough to have more responssibility for your actions, and I wont forgive you things like this – she looked to her daughter with a warning in her eyes. – Go, wash you hands, we have dinner soon – she added, and Credence saw from the corner of his eyes, that Modesty rushed to the stairs. Mary Lou turned to the table, to have a look on Credence’s work. He didnt even dare to take a breath, as he waited for the judgement.   
\- Set out the table, then help Chastity to bring the food in. You will finish this after dinner. You get half an hour, not more with a second – these words left his mother’s mouth, for Credence’s suprise. She almost never gave respite, when she caught him with unfinished work. He looked dubiously at her, but then quickly looked away. He lowered his head, stepped to the cupboard, and started to take out spoons and bowls. This time he set the table for himself too. After the last incident, his mother didnt want to risk of he pass out again, and take home another „insane, wicked woman”, as she said. So he got food again, altough never enough to settle down the burning emptyness in his stomach. When he finished the table, he walked to the kitchen. Chastity was almost done with the food, which – from its smell- seemed carbagge soup. She noticed Credence’s dubious look, who stared back to their mother, like he is still waiting for his punishment.   
\- Its because of the new priest, he is the reason of Ma’s indulgence – she whispered to her brother. – Today we vistited him again, while you were handing out the leaflets, and it seems like, he is intrested in our case. He even said, he has met once with a demon, wearing a woman’s face, trying to seduce men into sins – she told keenly, like she actually believes it. Credence wasnt sure, what kind of things Chastity believes in. – He might tell some of Ma’s quotes during the mass, and then a lot of people will know about the danger of the witches - her eyes sparkled as she spoke. Credence didnt know, that Chastity really feels this way, or she played the obedient, good daughter for such a long time, that she cant act different anymore. All he knew was, that long ago, his sister didnt believe any of Ma’s accusations. Moreover she was the one, who pulled him over after the sermons, and reminded him, that it cant be true, that everyone is evil and dangerous, just because they are different. But it was a long ago, recently she didnt tell him any of this. After she finshed, she watched her brother for a few seconds, like she is waiting for his confirmation. When he didnt answer, she turned back to the soup. 

A few minutes later, Chastity finished the food, and waved to him, that he could bring it to the dining room. Mary Lou and Modesty were already there, waiting for them. The little girl was creasing the edge of her skirt, she seemed unhappy. Modesty was often sad. Credence wished to see her smile, but she was wiping the tears from her eyes more often. After he put the bowl to the table, they sat down, and started to eat the few spoons of food in silence.  
\- When the children are coming tomorrow, use less cabage, Chastity. We dont need to waste it – broke the silence Mary Lou.  
\- Yes, Mother – aswered the girl quickly.  
After dinner the siblings washed their dishes, then the evening sermon had its time. The children kneeled to the cold floor, in front of the wall, and Mary Lou stood above them. Their mother opened the heavy Bible, and read out quotes from it loudly. Then she took time to pray for each of them souls. The one, saying for Credence was different from the others, as usually, where she prayed for their soul getting into Heaven for their true actions.   
\- And please, my Lord, let Credence burn in the purgatry, to dispose from his sins, please let him to do penance in front of You, and accept your punishments after death, like he does before it. Amen.  
\- Amen – repeated Credence, with his eyes shut.   
\- Alright children, you can leave. You have one hour until curfew – finished Mary Lou the praying. The siblings stood up with cramped legs, and Credence noticed, that Modesty’s eyes are full of tears. The little girl swallowed, she has alredy learnt, that crying in front of their mother doesnt lead to any good. The tasks were over for the girl that day, but Credence needed to finish the sorting. As he stepped to the table, he saw Chastity placing her hands to Modesty’s shoulders, and turned her insistent to the stairs. He could see, that his little sister cant hold back her tears for a long time, and Mary Lou hated when they cried. She thought, their miserable tears are just a way of manipulation. Credence tried to focus to his job, but he cared about Modesty much more. He hoped, that nothing particularly bad happened to her, and she cries just beacuse of tiredness. He mechanically sorted the leaflets into three piles, fortunately he was close to the end. A few minutes before his time expired, Mary Lou stepped behind him, and watched her son without any emotion on her face. When Credence placed the last leaflet on the top of a pile, she just waved to send him away. Credence turned to the stairs with relief. He just wanted to step in to the bathroom, when he saw Modesty at the entrance of her room. Her eyes were red, and her face was dirty from the tears.  
\- Credence… – she whispered and stepped forward.  
\- Whats wrong, Modesty? – Credence could see, that she was crying in the last half an hour.  
\- I, I just…Can I talk to you? Tonight? – the little girl looked at him.  
Credence peered behind his back. Only a few lamps flickered downstairs, their mother could come up any minute. But Credence just couldnt say no to his sister.   
\- Of course, Modesty. Now go to your bedroom, before Ma notices, that you cried, but if you would like, you can come to my room after curfew.   
Moesty looked at her brother with wide opened eyes. Credence wasnt allowed in the girls room, and they werent allowed in his either, especially not after curfew. She nodded quickly, before her brother could change his mind, and disappeared in her room. Credence sighed, and stepped into the bathroom. When he finished, he went to his room, and started to took off his clothes. He didn know what time is it exactly, but he figured out, that it must be only a few minutes before the curfew. 

Their mother checked them every night, to make sure they are already in bed. At these times it was forbidden to keep the blanket on themselves, so she could see, that they are in their nightgownes. Maybe she was afraid of sneaking out at night, if they dont change in time? Credence didnt understand, but he followed the rule. At least it was an easy one to follow. He just needed to lie on the bed, with a straight back, with his blanket by his feet, until his mother left the room. His room was always the first, and then she went to the girls. Modesty’s room was the farest from his, and Credence cursed himself for promising the little girl to sneak into his room after curfew. It was too dangerous. To reach his bedroom, Modesty needed to walk in front of their mother’s room, through the old, raspy floor, and Credence wouldnt like to think about what would happen, if she would catch the girl. He couldnt take over her punishment in that case. But no matter how much he was worried about his sister, he knew, that both of them needed the other so much, he couldnt refuse her request. Modesty needed to talk with someone, who will listen, and Credence needed to feel, that someone needs him. That there is someone, who is worth living for. They cant be together often without their mother, she didnt like when her children met behind her back. She countenanced when Modesty took Credence’s hand, when the little girl was afraid, or worried, but that was the most she permited. That was one of the reasons, why Credence felt sometimes, that he didnt even exist. The lack off affection. Before Modesty came to their family a year ago, no one has ever touched him. Chastity has never looked like she misses it, she never tried to hold her brother’s hand when they were younger, and in his mother’s case Credence couldnt remember to any occasion, when she touched him. Not with the belt, not with a stick, with her bare hands. Credence was still ashamed, when he remembered back to the first time, Modesty tried to hold his hand. The boy drew apart from her with averseness, almost frigthened. But Modesty didnt give up, she kept trying, until one day Credence carefully slided his fingers to her palm. He remembered, how small and warm was the little girl’s hand, as she hung to him. From that day, Credence never pulled away his hand, his fingers reassuringly clutched his sister’s. Altough the little girl couldnt replace the love of a mother, or – Credence didnt dare even to think about it – a lover’s love, but those rare times, when their hands have met, meant a shelter for the boy in the cold and lonely world.   
Credence just lay down on the bed, when he heard his mother’s footsteps on the corridor, then his door slammed open. Mary Lou looked through the room with narrowed eyes, and when she couldnt find any mistake, she turned tail without a word. After she left the room, Creence pulled his blanket on himself. The nights get colder, as winter came, the half of december already passed, and the boy shivered under the thin blanket every night. December didnt mean much for him, besides that he felt his thin jacket even thiner, and as Christmas was around the corner, the people were always in a hurry, pushing him away from their way. He didnt lie there for so long, when he noticed, his door slowly open with a quiet creak, and a small shadow crawled in the room. Modesty tried to walk without any noise, and Credence sliped away, so she could climbed to his bed. In the dusk he saw his sister lips are still trembling, as she carefully sliped under Credence’s blanket.   
\- Whats wrong, Modesty? – he whispered.  
\- Do you remember to your family, Credence? Your real one? – the little girl looked at him.  
Credence forgot to breathe for a second. He shaked his head.  
\- No, you know I dont. I was very young, when Ma adopted me. But she said, they werent good people – he answered finally.  
\- Mine were, I guess. Good people – whispered Modesty.  
Credence didnt answer to that. Modesty’s parents gave up on her, they just gave her to Mary Lou, when they had too many children.  
\- But my younger brothers and sisters were good, Im sure. Mum always let me to hold them in my lap, I often fed Dylan and Mitch, you know they were three years old. Theresa and Bill did a lot of mischief to us, younger ones, but not beacause they were wicked. They just thought they can do anything, because they were more then twelve years old – told Modesty with growing enthusiasm.   
Credence has heard lots of stories about the little girls’s family, she was often homesick. She didnt understand, that this is her home now, and she might never see her siblings again.   
\- Thats the problem, Modesty? You miss them again? – asked Credence.  
His sister was silent for a few moments.  
\- This will be my first Christmas without them. We wont have here a Christmas tree, or singing, right Credence? – she looked at him.  
At that moment, there was nothing else, he wished more, then be able to tell her, that of course there will be a tree, and even presents, but how could he say that…He just swallowed hard.   
\- No, it wont be. But we can get a bit more from the food, and we can stay up for longer. – Credence tried to see the good part of their „Christmas”. – And of course, the night sermon is also longer.  
The little girl just groaned, then looked at him mesmerized.   
\- I really liked to sing. At Christmas we always stood around the tree, and we sang for the Santa. But I also sang other times, my mum taught us a lot of songs, the ones she also hummed, while she was washing other people’s laundry. But Mother said, those are not decent songs. She doest allow me to sing them – Modesty’s mouth curved down again.  
\- Hey, dont cry – Credence tried to comfort her. – What about creating a new song? A song, that Ma would like?   
\- What Ma would like…? – his sister looked at him, thinking. – Should I sing about witches death? Would she like that, Credence? – she stared at him.   
\- Well, I guess…Yes, she would like that. – Credence wasnt sure, that he gives a good advice to his sister, but what he kept in mind was trying to avoid her crying again.   
\- Okay. Thank you for listening, Credence. Chastity doesnt like, when I talk about my previous family – said Modesty, then she held out her hands towards him. As the thin arms wrapped around his back, Credence felt warmness in his heart. Modesty didnt even know, that sometimes she is the only one, who keeps away his brother to be swallowed by the darkness.  
\- Anytime, Modesty - he answered quietly. – But now please, go back to your room, before Ma notices, you arent there.   
The little girl nodded, and slided down noiseless from the bed. She padded from her brother’s room as qiuetly, as she came. Credence felt the warmth of her body for a long time in the cold bed.

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my mother language, I would like to apologize if you found some mistakes! I would be very happy for comments (and kudos), because I did not wirte many fics, but Credence's character impressed me, and I wanted to bring his story closer to us:)


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